Our school has an After School Program. We hire teachers from our own staff and from outside of the school to offer enrichments. One of the choices is Hip Hop. At the end of the program, we host a recital for the students that participate in this program. Their parents and families come to watch them perform.
As I sat and watched the children dance in this year's presentation I enjoyed watching their parents and grandparents smile at them. I watched the children find their comfort in presenting in front of a group. For some this is easy, for some this is challenging, and everything in between. They did some of the moves, and they are young - so they are finding their rhythm and their balance as well as their comfort level! These are wonderful opportunities for children to have.
As a Director who often speaks in front of crowds, I am reminded of my own experience as a child in ballet and in different shows. I was extremely shy and wanted to hide in the back. I never felt comfortable or brave like some of the children I watch. I am envious of their courage to be seen, to be strong, to move with confidence whether they know the moves or not! I am curious if they carry this through their lives. Can they withstand criticism from others as they move through life? Are these stepping stones helping them grow? I believe so, and I hope so. They are laying experiences on experiences, building courage, skill set, and mental and physical strength, and stamina.
One mom said to me, "We should leave, this is embarrassing." I think she said this because her child only did some of the moves. I listened to this mom so that I was able to hear her and approach her with curiosity and compassion. I strive to help each parent support their child to love themselves, be brave, and be strong. “How can I offer this parent a different view of their child,” I wondered? This is the battle we fight. Together we can notice what our children are capable of, notice how they show up, small or big, be proud, be strong for them and with them! If we stand with them in their small steps as well as their big steps, perhaps they will love themselves - and that is important in this life. And then the dance teacher said, "Girls, walk across the stage and be supermodels blowing kisses, and boys, be superheros and flex your muscles." I am so grateful for the teacher sitting next to me, who put her hand on my arm and told me to breathe and so I did. I took a deep breath. All of my knowledge on gender bias was alerted. I needed a moment. Why can we not say, “Choose, be a superhero or a supermodel, choose how you want to face the audience. Blow kisses? Show muscles? Something else?”
We continue to stereotype our girls and boys and perhaps you think I am being oversensitive…I urge you to reconsider. We continue to gender stereotype our children with language that is verbal and non verbal. And why does this matter? We might say we want our girls to be "Girly" and our boys to be "Men," but do we fully understand what we are saying? Do we recognize we are making a statement in all that we do and say? What defines these gender stereotypes that we have in our heads and what is the message we are giving our children in these statements?
We want our children to feel loved for whoever they grow up to be, and we want them to feel loved for who they are today. Mental health is the most important concern and thought. To feel whole, to feel strong, and to feel loved, children need to hear the message that they do not always have to connect with the expected social norms of our society. Because here is the truth, parents: some of us have children who are not feeling it. They have different thoughts and needs and ideas, and if we can love them for who they are and support this they will have a chance to feel whole throughout their life and this matters.
Secondly, don't tell our girls to blow a kiss on demand. Maybe blow a kiss to your guests if you feel it in your soul. And boys and girls can do this alike! We need to be in constant review of our language, reflect on what comes out of our mouth before we speak.Our words matter. We repeat, we speak and we don't always think. Let's think, together we can do this so our children can grow up to be who they want to be: loving, strong, quiet, bold, and these don't have to be defined by the preconceived notions of or stereotypical norms of gender.
As this show comes to an end perhaps we can ask the students to walk across the stage showing their pride for completion.... we don't need to be a superhero or a supermodel, we can be ourselves, in whatever way we want to be, defined by our heart and soul.
I was a young girl facing the pressures of our society and I know how this felt. It took me years to find myself, to peel away the layers of what I was told to be, so let's give our children a new way of being.
Let's not tell them who to be or how to be, instead let's tell them we see them for who they are, and strut across this stage for all the world to see and we can tell our children to take it away! Walk across the stage in pride and glory for a show well done!
Perhaps we could say, "As this show comes to an end, students recognize that you showed up, you are standing here in this moment, let's celebrate that!"
So as we open our mouths to speak to our children, remember pauses are allowed. We need and we can take a moment to retrain our brains, to recognize the language of our past does not have to be the language of today. We place time pressures on ourselves to speak, to be fast, to respond quickly, remove this pressure think first and then respond. What is it you want your child to hear?
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