Children and Forgiveness
When my daughter was five years old she taught me how forgiveness can occur with such ease. She showed me the strength and value of her compassion.
We were at the park watching her brother play soccer. This was probably the 100th game or so that she had watched, so she was a little bored. She walked over to a group of children to play with them and they said, "We don't want to play with you." There was no reason for them to say this, she hadn't done anything or said anything. But children like adults can be inclusive, at times, to their own small group. So she came over to me and I was sitting there thinking about this interaction that I had just observed. Should I go and say something to these children? Should I try to teach them about kindness and how should I come to my daughter's defense? While I was pondering all of these thoughts my daughter said, "Mom, can we go to the car for a second?" I was not following her thought process at all, but I said, Of course." When we arrived at the car she climbed in and found a bag of candy she had in the back seat. We walked back over to the soccer game and as I sat down expecting her to sit next to me and drown her sorrows in a nice piece of candy she ran back over to the children. "Does anyone want some candy," she asked? They all wanted some candy, they thanked her and then as if the previous incident had not occurred they all started to play and my daughter had a great afternoon at the soccer field.
We could analyze this story and take it apart in many way. We could say those children should have played with her without the candy, or my daughter should not have been so kind to those children who treated her meanly at first but the way I see it, she was a master at social interaction. She didn't even want the candy as she had told me earlier, so she used it to negotiate peace. This small action allowed her to have an amazing afternoon with some new friends. She didn't hold on to anger or hold a grudge, she just enjoyed the day. It was simple. Since that day I have observed this behavior repeatedly in children. They forgive, they negotiate and they handle complex social interactions with grace and ease. What do we need to do as adults watching children at play? It is essential that we support these complex interactions while at the same time give children a chance to resolve issues on their own. We must keep our own feelings and biases out of children's play!
We are often to quick to jump in when they have a dispute while playing. While watching children play we need to pause before jumping in. We may need to take a deep breath to help ourselves stay calm and we need to stay quiet. Watch the children play and then continue to watch them play. There are times when we are needed to facilitate interactions but there are so many times that we are not needed. Sit back, let the children teach the art of forgiveness with the purest of hearts as they play.
Later at night reflect on the story with your child. Ask questions so that you can continue to learn from them. Perhaps it would have gone like this... I might have asked, "How were you able to forgive those children and play with them after they were mean? I bet my daughter would have said, "Why not?"
My daughter's ability to not judge these children on one second or on one action is one of her many impressive qualities. Adult judgement can be swift, unforgiving and harsh. Today as you move through your day take that moment to pause, forgive without judgement and think like a child!
We were at the park watching her brother play soccer. This was probably the 100th game or so that she had watched, so she was a little bored. She walked over to a group of children to play with them and they said, "We don't want to play with you." There was no reason for them to say this, she hadn't done anything or said anything. But children like adults can be inclusive, at times, to their own small group. So she came over to me and I was sitting there thinking about this interaction that I had just observed. Should I go and say something to these children? Should I try to teach them about kindness and how should I come to my daughter's defense? While I was pondering all of these thoughts my daughter said, "Mom, can we go to the car for a second?" I was not following her thought process at all, but I said, Of course." When we arrived at the car she climbed in and found a bag of candy she had in the back seat. We walked back over to the soccer game and as I sat down expecting her to sit next to me and drown her sorrows in a nice piece of candy she ran back over to the children. "Does anyone want some candy," she asked? They all wanted some candy, they thanked her and then as if the previous incident had not occurred they all started to play and my daughter had a great afternoon at the soccer field.
We could analyze this story and take it apart in many way. We could say those children should have played with her without the candy, or my daughter should not have been so kind to those children who treated her meanly at first but the way I see it, she was a master at social interaction. She didn't even want the candy as she had told me earlier, so she used it to negotiate peace. This small action allowed her to have an amazing afternoon with some new friends. She didn't hold on to anger or hold a grudge, she just enjoyed the day. It was simple. Since that day I have observed this behavior repeatedly in children. They forgive, they negotiate and they handle complex social interactions with grace and ease. What do we need to do as adults watching children at play? It is essential that we support these complex interactions while at the same time give children a chance to resolve issues on their own. We must keep our own feelings and biases out of children's play!
We are often to quick to jump in when they have a dispute while playing. While watching children play we need to pause before jumping in. We may need to take a deep breath to help ourselves stay calm and we need to stay quiet. Watch the children play and then continue to watch them play. There are times when we are needed to facilitate interactions but there are so many times that we are not needed. Sit back, let the children teach the art of forgiveness with the purest of hearts as they play.
Later at night reflect on the story with your child. Ask questions so that you can continue to learn from them. Perhaps it would have gone like this... I might have asked, "How were you able to forgive those children and play with them after they were mean? I bet my daughter would have said, "Why not?"
My daughter's ability to not judge these children on one second or on one action is one of her many impressive qualities. Adult judgement can be swift, unforgiving and harsh. Today as you move through your day take that moment to pause, forgive without judgement and think like a child!
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