Mental Health and good parenting decisions....

These days there is a huge volume of information available to each of us, with new and more targeted channels of information popping up almost daily through different types of social media.  As parents – especially young parents – tips and information about parenting are likely to be an area “selected for you” and presented to you through various information feeds.   Facebook alone will inundate you with ways to be a good parent. Don’t we all want our children grow up strong, independent, resilient and happy?  So much knowledge available to us, and so much progress, but at the same time we are living in a period where anxiety is the number one illness on the rise.  

There is little doubt that the decisions we make for our children have long lasting effects on their social and educational progress, as well as their own self-image and general mental health.   Sometimes I think that the many articles we are exposed to on a daily basis daily may be tipping us into a bit of information overload – making it even more challenging to make decisions for our children.  

In the past few years we have noticed a trend in our school:  more parents have been asking us about holding their children back a year – sometimes even when we have recommended that they move forward.  The move from Pre-K to Kindergarten is the most common time when this comes up.  In the past, my experience was that it was more likely for parents to want to push their child ahead, even if the staff was recommending the child stay back.  Now the trend is the reverse – I’m guessing this is partly a result of all the many studies, etc. that have been picked up by the media.

The discussions we are having mostly focus on the benefits of an extra year for the child's social/emotional growth.   It seems to me that when we focus on social and emotional development, we could all benefit from another year!  But it is important to remember that this is not always the case.  If a child can move forward and thrive –then that is what they should do.

Although early childhood memories are often unclear for most people, many children at this age are already quite conscious of their social group.  We have to recognize that they will likely notice that their friends have moved on and - for some reason – they did not.  

This has an effect, but measuring the effect and what it means to the child is very difficult.  Do the benefits from the additional year outweigh a child's knowledge and whatever effect this may have on their own self-perception?   We can do all we can to avoid characterizing a decision as something negative – it is something the staff is very aware of and well trained in how to address questions -  but at some time the child is likely to hear the term “held back” … and that just doesn’t sound too good. They are going to need to know why. The language used is very, very important.  A negative characterization can stick with someone throughout their life.

The decisions we make about our children our complicated.  As we think about these decisions we need to be sure that we whole heartedly believe in what we choose.  For example if we determine we want our child to repeat Pre K in order to better handle self-control issues, when we share this with our family and friends we share it with the best choice of words.  It's not a secret or anything to be embarrassed about.   We talk about this decision openly and honestly with others and our children.  "Your friends moved on to Kindergarten.  We wanted you to repeat Pre K for another year. We think it’s great to get an extra year to play, to learn to share, to increase your patience, or ability to handle being angry" (whatever they are working on, but do not focus solely on the “negative” area that needs work). We are so lucky to have this extra year to really strengthen these skills, and even to practice the things you are already good at, like sharing"  

When our child expresses some thoughts that are negative regarding this decision we have to lean into that as well.  We can't bury the feelings that make us think about our decision.  Your child may have a question that makes you uncomfortable.  Answer them honestly and openly, "You are sad, you wanted to be in Kindergarten with Harry next year."  If we are making the decision to repeat the year for social and emotional growth than lean into that growth. Be ready with positive examples that show how your child is making progress.    Any decision we make for our child has to be done with the best of intentions, and then as much commitment as we can muster.

 

We used to have a teacher that always said an extra year is a gift for any child.  I love this sentence.  What’s the big rush?   But it is certainly not the right decision for everyone – not even for most.  More than anything else, the young mind is curious and needs challenges and new types of stimulation in order to thrive.

I invite any parents that have repeated a year to comment to this article.  Was it a good decision? Why or why not?  For teachers, if you have noticed any positives/negatives about this type of decision, please share! 

 As you ponder this may you find humor in my face as I received a special snack delivery from a few friends at our school!