So much anxiety.... how do we help our children?
The statistics on the growth of anxiety in our children is
frightening. While we are bombarded with information about this growing
mental health issue we may not know what to do with this knowledge. What is our
next step as a parent or a teacher to help our children?
To begin, it might be helpful take stock of yourself in moments of
emotional pressure. How do you handle stress? How do you feel when
you have a new social situation to attend or any event? What do you know
about coping skills?
anx·i·e·ty
NOUN
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an
imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Each of us typically has some level of anxiety during our day,
from very little to extreme. Understanding yourself, and how you deal with
stress, can allow you the opportunity to step back and look at your child and
asses how they might be handling life’s daily interactions and
situations. If you are someone who is already well practiced at dealing
with stress (with good results!), then you can think about how to pass on
“children’s versions” of the techniques you use. Breathing exercises; consciously relaxing
different muscle sets; sitting quietly for a period of time; self-affirmation; visualization. Children can benefit greatly from simplified,
well explained examples.
I remember when my son was a little boy and he was invited to a
birthday party of a very good friend. When I mentioned to him that we
were going to the party the next day his face looked as if I told him really
bad news. At the time I couldn't understand why going to a
birthday party of a good friend would cause this reaction. Sometimes he would
have anxiety related symptoms such as a headache or a stomach ache. After
we went to the party and he had a few minutes of transitional adjustment he was
fine. He worked through his feelings of discomfort and was able to enjoy
the party. At the time I didn't know about social stories or visual
prompts that would have helped him handle the stress that attending these type
of events caused him.
The other day I heard a grandmother say something to the effect
of: "Yeah, all this talk and we all are fine when we grow up." In
some ways I understand what she is saying. On the other hand, are we all
fine? Could the quality of our lives been improved with a little more
attention to our mental health? I think that we would serve our children
well if we give them a few more tools or skills to help manage their emotions. We spend so much time talking about their
reading abilities and how good they are at a sport. We post photos of the
many achievements they accomplish. But in order to make these
accomplishments, a healthy outlook on life and the development of coping skills
are essential.
In many situations a certain level of anxiety is normal. For
many people, anxiety levels beyond what are useful are never a big
problem. For those who see the
development of “being too anxious” in their child, it is most important that we
do not “feed the monster.” Stepping in
with your presence as the sole solution to anxiety gives immediate comfort, but
over time exacerbates the problem.
What we need to do is recognize and then deploy from our “bag of
tricks” – the skill sets they need to learn.
In a certain sense, “they have to learn to deal with it themselves” … if
we “fix” it for them, we make it worse over time. What we need to do is provide the tools they
need.
With young children, they often do not fully understand their
emotions so they may be unable to put into words what they are feeling.
They will not be able to say “I am feeling anxious.” It may come out in a
way we don't understand, from restlessness to anger to sadness. Once we
determine “this might be anxiety” we can attempt to prompt the learning of a
skill in order to better cope with their emotions in the healthiest way
possible. In my example of the birthday
party my son got anxious about, what skill might I have taught him at that
time?
Visualization/relaxation/breathing: Ok Kyle, we are going to sit cross-legged
here, doing a relaxation, and lets think about this party coming up. Let’s imagine we are driving to Ben’s
house. We are pulling up outside and
going in, what do you see?
- the other kids going in –
Follow my breathing (I explain that I take a deep breath and let
it out slowly before each answer) How does that make you feel, when you see the
other kids going in?
(breathes) – I
don’t know some of them
Let’s talk about who you know. You know Max, Eli, (etc, etc)
(breathes) - yeah –
Let’s go in, can you see Ben?
What is he doing?
(breathes) – he
is opening presents, he is laughing
Ok, lets shake out our arms.
I think we are going to have a good time at Ben’s party
And that’s it. No
deep-dive psychotherapy session. Just a
brief relaxation technique to help visualize a positive experience.
So … Where do we begin? We let them play! What
next? We let them play some more!
By themselves? Yes, we let them problem solve and work out
social situations with their friends.
We let them work out fears with friends,that come up in
play. We step back and we observe, we demonstrate that we trust
them. When we recognize an opportunity to share a skill, we do so. If we see them practicing a new skill, we
show them that we notice.
If we are circling, solving problems and jumping in when it is
not necessary, we give them exactly the wrong message: “you can’t handle it” –
when most of the time they can!
When we begin to recognize or even suspect there is something
going on they truly cannot handle themselves, then we jump in – not to “solve”
but to teach “here are some tricks I’ve learned to deal with this type of
situation.”
and now we breathe and enjoy our day!
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