Whose this playdate for?
When my son was in first grade he invited a friend over to our house to play. The mom said "I don't let him do playdates without me." Hmm, I thought to myself, that's interesting. What does this mean? I told her that would be fine and she came over with her son. As soon as they arrived it was clear to me that the mom was not there to socialize with me. Her role was to shadow her son. He was a typical child. She wanted to make sure he was safe. Maybe she wanted to get to know my son, or our family in general and how we behave in our home. She basically followed him and my son around the back yard almost as if she was part of the playdate. I was confused and if I am totally honest, slightly uncomfortable. I didn't know where to put myself. Was I supposed to stay with them? Did I need to follow them around as well?
In my mind when my children had playdates I should stay nearby in case I was needed, but otherwise stay out of their play time. When my children had playdates I was happy for them for the company it provided and delighted for myself for the independent time it allowed.
I was reminded of this playdate when a mother mentioned a similar experience she had. She was sharing about her experiences on a playdate at the park with her children. We were both commenting how parents on a playdate sometimes "become the playmate." Often they become the mediator or the judge of our child's behavior.
To me, an important part of their playtime is that they learn to handle their own disputes - and eventually to be able to judge for themselves who makes a good friend. Good judgement takes a long time to learn, so how do we begin? When my daughter was little she started to have some conflict with her girl friends. We began by talking about how she felt after playdates or when she came home from school. We would classify friends as "feel good friends" and "not feel good friends" and she began to notice patterns of behavior that would make her feel uncomfortable. At times we would need to wait a bit after a playdate before we could discuss it - some of you will know exactly what I am talking about - don't force the conversation, just save it for later. Children often need time to "process" just like we do. I asked her questions with the intent of helping her build a skill, so that she could come to her own conclusions. Sometimes we wondered together without an answer:
"I wonder how it felt when your friend didn't let you have a turn", and then I would be quiet.
Give them the space they need to think about how something made them feel.
She was learning to know who respected her, who she should respect. Friendship has so much to do with respect and kindness. I was not the judge of the other child, that is not my role. All of our children need to decide who is healthy for them to play with and who they need to separate from, for their own well being. Even when pulling away from someone, it is important to emphasize that doing so with kindness and respect should be the goal. Its a skill we can learn early, and one that will serve us well throughout life.
As adults there are certain people that we whole-heartedly bring into our life, and there are people we treat with respect but keep at a safe distance. If we want our children to have this skill they need to practice. They may have friends that make bad choices, yet our children still like them and remain good friends. In those cases we teach our children that being a good friend doesn't mean doing something you think is wrong just because your friend is doing it. If they are a good friend, they will be ok with you doing things your own way. In other cases they may have friends that are making them feel bad, and in these cases we help our children build the skills to recognize why this is - and if necessary, how to step back or how to communicate this and give the friend the opportunity to learn, so the friendship can continue to grow.
Recently I was reading a study from the "Jewish Education Project" in New York. In this study they suggested following a "backwards design" thought process in order to determine the right path for our children's education. This kind of thought experiment helps schools design their educational program by starting with the recognition of the end goals.
As parents we also have end goals for our children. Healthy, happy, etc, … on these we can all agree. But if we get more specific. (a good family/home life, A career that you enjoy, well liked/respected in your community) then this practice would begin with specific questions such as:
What should our children know? What should they do? What connections should they build with their community?
From there, we next think about the skills they need to achieve these goals, and then discern how they build and practice these skills. So, for example if we want our children to have a connection to their community, one way to accomplish this is to have friends. Therefore we would ask ourselves what skills do they need to form friendships and how do they practice? Another form of connecting to community is participation (sport, drama, dance, music). Learning how to be an active participant - and I would say even more important: learning what you actually like to do! - these are great things to connect you to others and also learn about yourself.
If we want our children to make good decisions later in life, we have to teach them the skills and allow them the space to practice as early and as often as possible. The next time your children have a playdate, step back and let them play. Let them build the skills they need to be a good friend. Let them make good choices and bad choices. Through these decisions they learn. When we are with our friends we build connections that are powerful. We feel happiness in our hearts and soul when we have friends. We need to practice these skills, and any type of practice means there will be errors. Building skills has challenges. As much as possible, our children need to take on these challenges on their own. Give your child the freedom to explore, learn and grow with a friend.
In school every day, children have joy and they have conflict with their friends and their classmates. A little of both is healthy and normal. Back up listen to the forgiveness they find for one another as they move through their play. I stand in awe each day as they show their courage and their strength. They stand up for themselves, they back down sometimes when I wish they wouldn't!
But they process their experiences and they learn. They are learning as they play.
To my fellow adults, I ask you with understanding and respect: Please step away from the playdate...
In my mind when my children had playdates I should stay nearby in case I was needed, but otherwise stay out of their play time. When my children had playdates I was happy for them for the company it provided and delighted for myself for the independent time it allowed.
I was reminded of this playdate when a mother mentioned a similar experience she had. She was sharing about her experiences on a playdate at the park with her children. We were both commenting how parents on a playdate sometimes "become the playmate." Often they become the mediator or the judge of our child's behavior.
To me, an important part of their playtime is that they learn to handle their own disputes - and eventually to be able to judge for themselves who makes a good friend. Good judgement takes a long time to learn, so how do we begin? When my daughter was little she started to have some conflict with her girl friends. We began by talking about how she felt after playdates or when she came home from school. We would classify friends as "feel good friends" and "not feel good friends" and she began to notice patterns of behavior that would make her feel uncomfortable. At times we would need to wait a bit after a playdate before we could discuss it - some of you will know exactly what I am talking about - don't force the conversation, just save it for later. Children often need time to "process" just like we do. I asked her questions with the intent of helping her build a skill, so that she could come to her own conclusions. Sometimes we wondered together without an answer:
"I wonder how it felt when your friend didn't let you have a turn", and then I would be quiet.
Give them the space they need to think about how something made them feel.
She was learning to know who respected her, who she should respect. Friendship has so much to do with respect and kindness. I was not the judge of the other child, that is not my role. All of our children need to decide who is healthy for them to play with and who they need to separate from, for their own well being. Even when pulling away from someone, it is important to emphasize that doing so with kindness and respect should be the goal. Its a skill we can learn early, and one that will serve us well throughout life.
As adults there are certain people that we whole-heartedly bring into our life, and there are people we treat with respect but keep at a safe distance. If we want our children to have this skill they need to practice. They may have friends that make bad choices, yet our children still like them and remain good friends. In those cases we teach our children that being a good friend doesn't mean doing something you think is wrong just because your friend is doing it. If they are a good friend, they will be ok with you doing things your own way. In other cases they may have friends that are making them feel bad, and in these cases we help our children build the skills to recognize why this is - and if necessary, how to step back or how to communicate this and give the friend the opportunity to learn, so the friendship can continue to grow.
Recently I was reading a study from the "Jewish Education Project" in New York. In this study they suggested following a "backwards design" thought process in order to determine the right path for our children's education. This kind of thought experiment helps schools design their educational program by starting with the recognition of the end goals.
As parents we also have end goals for our children. Healthy, happy, etc, … on these we can all agree. But if we get more specific. (a good family/home life, A career that you enjoy, well liked/respected in your community) then this practice would begin with specific questions such as:
What should our children know? What should they do? What connections should they build with their community?
From there, we next think about the skills they need to achieve these goals, and then discern how they build and practice these skills. So, for example if we want our children to have a connection to their community, one way to accomplish this is to have friends. Therefore we would ask ourselves what skills do they need to form friendships and how do they practice? Another form of connecting to community is participation (sport, drama, dance, music). Learning how to be an active participant - and I would say even more important: learning what you actually like to do! - these are great things to connect you to others and also learn about yourself.
If we want our children to make good decisions later in life, we have to teach them the skills and allow them the space to practice as early and as often as possible. The next time your children have a playdate, step back and let them play. Let them build the skills they need to be a good friend. Let them make good choices and bad choices. Through these decisions they learn. When we are with our friends we build connections that are powerful. We feel happiness in our hearts and soul when we have friends. We need to practice these skills, and any type of practice means there will be errors. Building skills has challenges. As much as possible, our children need to take on these challenges on their own. Give your child the freedom to explore, learn and grow with a friend.
In school every day, children have joy and they have conflict with their friends and their classmates. A little of both is healthy and normal. Back up listen to the forgiveness they find for one another as they move through their play. I stand in awe each day as they show their courage and their strength. They stand up for themselves, they back down sometimes when I wish they wouldn't!
But they process their experiences and they learn. They are learning as they play.
To my fellow adults, I ask you with understanding and respect: Please step away from the playdate...
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