May we get what we need....

This week as I was sitting in with one of the two year old classes at my preschool it struck me once again how much social learning goes on during play.  In one instance, I saw one little girl in the house keeping area and when a student came over to join her, she yelled, "NO!."  He cried a little and then he ran out of there with lightening speed and found something else to do.  I noted that she was  half his size, but that didn't matter - her tone and face said it all.  She did not want to share the center and he heard her loud and clear. 

I looked to the teacher, it was clear that she noted the interaction. From her body language, I guessed that she was holding herself back from interceding.  She glanced at the boy, then again at the girl, nodded to herself and turned back to another child who was seeking her attention.

Some times we encourage sharing and sometimes we allow for children to have something all to themselves.  Sometimes we  watch and we take note of what we see and think about it.  We don't always have to be involved and we don't have to always do something immediately to help "fix" the situation, sometimes just letting it be is ok.  Yes she wasn't sharing. Yes the other student was a little sad. It was not a perfect vision of sharing and playing together.  It was life, it was children negotiating, learning and living through their play.

He had communicated his hurt, and then gave her the space she wanted to hold onto in the kitchen center.  He handled his disappointment well, and was over it almost immediately.    She, on the other hand, had been perhaps a bit over the top, but got the space she was looking for.  If the teacher observed this "chasing away friends" behavior more than once, she might question the girl and in the next instance this happened begin to help her reflect on her social interactions. 

It is always fascinating to watch how the children communicate with their actions during play.  There is a natural tendency towards joining together in play - they support each other all day long.  When one says water and they show signs of looking for their cup their is always another student that immediately starts helping them.  When one wants a toy that another has they are often quick to give it up. They negotiate all morning long.  They trade off toys, they move out of the way so they can give each other space.  They truly take care of each other and themselves.

At two years old you put yourself first naturally, since you consider yourself the center of everything.  The way you learn that you are not always to come first is through play.

I wonder at what age many of us lose this ability, and begin to put ourselves second or last. Taking care of ourselves is important and putting ourselves first some of the time is healthy, so we need to act that out in our play to learn to live that way as well.  We can't put ourselves first all of the time but some of the time is ok. 

For women with families it is certainly a struggle to recognize and attend to your own needs first.  Often it seems more practical just to take care of everyone else, and catch up on your own needs when you have the time.  With experience, I've learned it's not healthy to handle things this way. If you always put the "me time" last, it's very likely that you'll never get any.

We have to learn when its necessary to give ourselves a break; the permission to say "me first".

The house needs to be cleaned, but I can rest first.  My son needs to tell me something, but I can finish my chapter of a good book first.

I am not sure if it stems from being a woman, being a mom, being a person that grew up with three siblings or just being me:  when I put my own needs first, I have a tendency to feel guilty.  Intellectually we may understand that we need to care for ourselves in order to be the best mom, supportive partner and all around good person - but emotionally, it can feel selfish. We have to recognize that tendency and push through it.  At times, it is necessary to put one's self first.

When I saw this little girl stand strong for what she needed I couldn't help but think: she is strong and independent.  She knew what she wanted and she stood up loud and clear to speak for herself.  Over time in our school, she will be learning the techniques of how to do this more skillfully, without hurting feelings.  There are a lot of different ways one could view that small interaction. I wonder how often we view it this way? 

I think that the key is in finding the balance that works for you.  Sometimes I put myself first, sometimes I need to put my needs on hold and sometimes my needs are never met - and I handle it.  When we teach at our school this is the kind of global learning we strive for.  Of course we teach colors, letters, counting - but the deeper learning is all that is taking place while we do these exercises together.   For example, when we come together to sing, our teachers look for are things like:

> look at the space we make for each other as we come and sit near the singer
> the smiles or other non-verbal signals we give our teachers and friends in the circle
> the way we participate or chose not to participate

Many of us were raised in the system of education that is still dominant today. Generally speaking, the philosophies which underpin this system remain the same: sit still, memorize, regurgitate.  Depending on your test performance, you will now be categorized and taught to that level.

It is only natural that we, brought up in this system, might first think that "real learning" is about the surface facts - the test results.   Yet, "When we asses the growth and progress of our own children, when we access the value of our co-workers, it's not test scores but rather character and accomplishments that are the basis of our measure."  Berger, Ron An Ethic of Excellence Heinemann: Portsmouth, NH, 2003

At a young age, the most important thing we can do for our students is teach them the social skills that will help them learn to navigate the world.  These skills serve as a bedrock for their future educational journey, and for being a good person.

Discovering for ourselves how to get what we need each day so that our mind and soul can flourish is an important skill.

Today on this beautiful day may you get what you need, I am heading outside to read for a bit!