Making meaning out of all we do...

A holiday party...

This weekend I attended a holiday party.... not my favorite activity, as I have recently become mostly a hermit outside of work.  I am not sure if it is post-covid, post-sick child in the house, or what, but other than work I mostly hunker down at my house happily, and with necessity. 

And yet, I did go out to this holiday party...I did it. 

While there I watched two three-year old boys interact together with their parents.  I sat comfortably watching as this is my home base.  Watching children play is my all time favorite activity.  They were fighting over the cars they were riding.  Their parents kept talking, trying to help the children come to a solution.  They were talking over their children.  They were loud, offering ideas and suggestions without any listening or pausing.  Their children couldn't hear them, they were in their own conversation.  Suddenly they stopped fighting - somehow an agreement had been reached.  They both rode away in opposite directions, taking off from each other.  Riding happily into the sunset you could say, but wait – their parents were not done helping them!  They kept speaking to their children saying, “Share this, do that, we will set a timer…”on and on they went.  “What was happening?” I wondered. Did they not see and hear that the children had found a solution on their own?  Did they not agree with their solution? As I thought about this I realized what message they are giving the children: “You can't make solutions on your own; the adult solutions are better, matter more. You don't have a voice here.”

Do we as parents realize the messages we give our children at times? How do we have the time to reflect on what we say or do as parents moving in a busy world? Do we stop and listen to our words? Do we look at our children and really listen? When are we quiet? 

Later, my daughter told these parents, "My mom is really good with children, you might want her advice." God bless our children.  I would have never spoken up, but she said, "Mom, I couldn't take it any longer!" May she remember this when she has her own children.

So the parents turned around and asked me to help when the next fight began.  I hesitated, not knowing one set of parents well; I didn't want to overstep my boundaries.  At the same time I couldn't resist.  One child was on the bike trying to pass the other child.  The blocking child positioned his body so the biking child could not pass.  I said with compassion and patience, "Oh no, he wants to get by, where can you put your legs so he can pass?"  The blocking child moved his legs so his friend could pass. I then said, "You found a solution.  You moved your legs and he biked on by, you are a solution finder.  High five!” and we high fived each other celebrating our success.  The parents stood there and we all felt ridiculous in a way.  They asked, "How did you get him to move his legs so easily?" These words though simple, are harder when we are emotionally invested in our children.  Especially in social settings, we want our children to share and look good in front of others.  I think for some of us it defines the way we see ourselves as parents and how we think others will view us.  It adds to our self worth and the way we value ourselves and as a result we react differently in these social settings.  We place pressure on our children to behave and act a certain way when we are around friends and company.  

I assured these parents that I have had over 20 years of practice, read multiple books, listened to millions of podcasts, and engaged in millions of conversations with children, colleagues, and families.  I have learned from all of these experiences. 

The simplest explanation I could offer is that I gave power to the children.  I was not the solution finder, the children were. I added vocabulary to assist them, basically stating the problem and offering an idea for a solution.  I am not timing them as I will not follow them through life with a timer.  They need to do this on their own.  Listening is key, I suggested.  We say so much more than we need to.  We love our children and we over talk to them, coming from this place of love.  I said nothing more.  I needed to back down, I could sense this in the room.  Yet I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride as I glanced at my daughter in the corner.  She smirked as if saying to the whole room, "Yeah, that's my mom and she's awesome." So if we want our children to be problem solvers that we can be proud of, back up, listen, and maybe one day you too will find yourself in a social setting with your child proud of you from the corner of the room. 

My daughter with our baby cat!