Ramblings from a camp Director....
Stepping back from our children's lives....
As we began our camp program this week I heard from a few parents about their fears of their child in this play-based environment. As children leave the comfort of a school desk and begin our summer program that is more physical and more experiential-based, children are exposed to increased social interaction. In most cases, parents worried about their child's feelings being hurt, or their child being "bullied" by others. In summer time programs there is such an increase in social interaction that the number of chances for these kinds of moments increase significantly.
As I walked the campus, I listened to the campers to put myself in the shoes of our parents, and in the minds of our campers and staff. I listened, I observed, and I wondered about everything I saw.
It is true, camp is a less structured environment than school. Children have more time with each other…to be nice, to be mean, to be patient, to be rude, to be all that they can be – and staff do as well. Children are physically active in our summer program so they are also more tired and more hungry, which makes them more vulnerable and sometimes more cranky!
I watched them in sports where some of them become so competitive they can make some really harsh comments to each other. Some play too hard, while others step back and watch and don't play at all.
What is it we want for our children?
We want them to participate in life.
We want them to move through being told both kind comments and unkind comments with strength and resilience.
We don't want them to be the bully or to do the bullying.
We want them to have values and live an ethical life.
We want them to have fun, to have friends, and to enjoy their everyday experiences together.
We want so much for our children.
How do we support them in this journey?
We cannot rescue them or protect them from some of the hard life lessons.
They must live through discomfort as well as comfort with our support, love and listening.
When they come home from camp and say a child was mean to them, we sit in their feelings with them. We mirror back what we see. “That sounds upsetting or sad,” we might say. We validate what they are feeling and really sit in it. Don't rush to cheer them up, or sweep these bad feelings under the rug.
After a bit of time we might ask them how they moved through the rest of their day handling this discomfort? "How was the rest of your day," we ask? They don't have to answer, they have to think about this question. How do we as adults move through our day after someone is mean or unkind to us? Beginning to identify our ability to handle controversy or unkindness, or all that is thrown our way is valuable to how we live our lives. The things people say to us begin to define our identity. How do we want our children to define their identity? Do we want them to say, “Someone said something mean to me, I need my parents to save me, or I saved myself (with or without support)?” I stood up for myself, I ignored them, I played with others, I moved on.
When a camper tells them "You suck at sports," we want them to have their own story. Yes, we want staff to be there and to say “Hey guys cut it out,” but at the same time - the comment is out there, it was heard. Children need to be able to say to themselves, “Yeah I suck at sports but I am going to keep trying,” or “I am pretty good at sports, I don't know what they are talking about.” They need to have power in the story they tell themselves, about themselves. How do we give them that power? Offer them reflection and thoughts that help them build a positive story about themselves. I love when 3 and 4 year olds call each other a baby, and they cry to you, "He said I was a baby." I always look at the child and say, "Are you a baby?" Most of the time they yell "No, I don't have a bottle or a diaper!" "Ok great,” I say, “you are not a baby." I also sometimes say, "I wish I was a baby so I could have some wonderful long naps!" Might we offer a variety of perspectives and views to these insults? Might we sometimes find humor in conversation with children as they move through these experiences? We focus on our long term goal: how do we want to arm our children with tools, strength and resilience to take on what life throws our way?
We let them live it!
Recently I was with a group of 5 year olds, and everyone was yelling at one child for playing the game wrong. Children do that - they gang up, they pick one child, and all yell at him or her. I walked over and said, "I hear everyone yelling Evan's name. It seems like Evan is trying to play with you guys and I don't see him doing anything wrong. Can you tell me what's happening over here," I asked? The words were out there. Helping children reflect on this ganging up attitude of unkindness is important. Everyone in the room heard Evan's name called repeatedly. It was not nice. I facilitated a conversation mostly listening and repeating back to help them resolve their play a little more kindly and thoughtfully. They were negotiating a game of foosball. The ball had been lost, so they were finding other items to use, and they were also fighting over who had the most points while occasionally children turned off the electric point keeper to reset the points when they didn't like the score. I remember being so frustrated as I played this game and wanted to win when I was a camper! I couldn't take away the mean words, I couldn't save Evan from what was out there. I could offer compassion his way and reflection to all of them in moving forward. That is our goal.
My daughter is 23, and I just went through a conversation such as this with her. I want to rescue her. I want to go after the person that is bothering her. I want to protect her. She is an adult. I cannot do this for her. I can support her and help ensure she has the tools she needs to move through this experience. She must be armed. Our children will not move through life with us fighting their battles. They must do it on their own. How do we do it in our own lives? When a boss is mean to us, a neighbor, a random person.... we live it. In life we learn, we grow, we become stronger, more intelligent and more resilient as we interact with so many people in so many experiences. Our children need to do the same…they need to live it!
Please don't take that opportunity from your child.
When they are little humans these are little people fighting, and they need these experiences to fight big people as they become adults. They need to live, to learn, and to grow in the positive and the negative experiences. Be there for them, listen, validate, offer reflections, pause, listen again, step back, breathe and then repeat this cycle. Listen, validate, offer reflection, pause, listen again, step back, breathe and repeat.
I know I am asking you to sit in discomfort. The discomfort of not saving your child, of not rescuing them from life. I ask a lot, I know.
Give your child the gift of living with a good self story that begins with, "I got this," and that happens when we sit alongside them in comfort and discomfort as they navigate their own lives!
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